walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
