apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
