Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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