Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize