you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
