I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
