Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
