so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
