loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
