I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
