did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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