maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize