At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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