Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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