If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
