Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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