did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
