Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
