i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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