God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My vagina is officially offended.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
