Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
we should paint friendship bongs
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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