watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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