I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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