The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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