my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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