I wish my penis had an off switch
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
