I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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