her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
A bitchslap is in order.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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