if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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