If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
