I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
