My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize