it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
