I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
