i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
