I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
my liver is dry heaving
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
