I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so let's talk penis.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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