I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
