Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
