I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
