I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
