id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
