Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
