Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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