so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
