Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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