Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
