All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
