After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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