loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
