Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
