dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
