I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
