Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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