I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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