I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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