Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
