The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
