Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
