So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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