mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
