i jhust puked up my retainher.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
