i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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