So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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