I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
